Friday, August 14, 2009

Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.

When I was in the grocery store yesterday and realized that despite the good price, I didn't need to buy 4 rolls of kitchen towels, tears threatened arrival. What an utterly everyday experience to trigger the realization of my upcoming life change!
And so my year in England draws to a close. I know I said I'd write often (um, every week? Uh, yeah, well...) but I guess you could say that I have been too busy living. This has been one of the best years of my life. Oh! The things I've learned! I've learned what it means to truly serve, I've learned what it means to magnify and succeed at a calling rather than just serving in it to fulfil a checklist. I've learned and am learning what it means to study, to submerse oneself in discovery and depth of thought, to struggle with intellectual ideas and come out the other side with clarity, understanding and even more than that, questions. I've learned that it is ok to have questions—questions that perhaps can't be answered in the forseeable future!
I've made friends more quickly and deeply than I can ever remember doing in the past, friends from entirely different backgrounds and beliefs, ages and views. I've started gardening :).
I've learned how to listen to my heart to know and then to receive what I want! I've honed my understandings of my desires by living utterly and beautifully alone, on my own. I've run my own household independent and peaceful.
I've kissed the ward dreamboat (my first kiss ever, if you can believe it), and opened myself up to the intricate workings of my heart in the matters of romance. I've learned to flirt, to speak up and to step back. I've learned to wait.
I've seen how the Lord truly is aware of all of us, how He guides us to the desires of our hearts and how His timing is impeccable and His promises sure.
I've learned what it means to be converted.
In the next month or so I will write up my dissertation. I will travel to Scotland and Ireland. I will see two of my dearest friends join together in eternal matrimony. I will pack up my flat and ship off my books. I will embrace my friends and say goodbye to my ward. I will prepare myself to move on.
I have no idea what awaits me in Utah—I am not sure when I will begin to work or where, I don't know what my social life will be like or how long I will want to stay. But I do know that the things I have learned here will affect how I do things for the rest of my life. I may have come here with a open heart, but I leave with an understanding of how to keep that heart open, no matter what happens in my life. And that, I believe, is the gift that has changed me forever. So, thank you Lord for bringing me here. Thank you heart for wanting to come. And thank you my London friends and loved ones who have nurtured and loved my heart. I love you forever.