A Room With a View

So, I've been back for a week. I still feel as much as ever that it is just the place for me. I am starting to sort out a work visa and a job or two. I am reconnecting with my wonderful ward and loved ones here in London. Things feel different, though. Many of my friends are no longer here. I feel in so many ways that I am starting afresh.
I was in Utah last month for my dearest friend Katie's wedding. It brought me more joy than I can express. It also brought some mourning. Katie was my closest friend, and now she has someone who, of course, she is closer to. I recognize that I need to not rely on her as much as I did before. Throughout my school year here in London we would talk once a week or once every other week--to catch up and to sort out our lives together and to support one another. We won't be doing that as much anymore and I have been feeling the lack.
While I was in the States my good friend Rachelle moved just across the railroad tracks from me. I have been spending more time with her and it is becoming increasingly clear to me that she is here in my life right now to be that support that I felt lacking. We are of the same age, similar in strivings, ambition, desires and faith. She has a heart of gold and is a faithful friend. I feel my heart opening more and more to her.
And although I feel happy being here, I have feared loneliness. So the other morning I decided to sit down and eat breakfast at the table in front of the bay window. I looked out the window. This is the view from my window:



It is sky, train track, and trees, with a building or two hiding behind the trees. What amazed me was that the trees met up in the middle, creating a small hole through which could be seen one window in an apartment building across the way. I stared in disbelief. That one window, truly the only one I can see, is Rachelle's. Yes, you needn't wonder--it is a sign. A sign that Heavenly Father loves me, is aware of me and won't leave me feeling alone. For goodness sake, he put the only friend I have in the neighborhood in the only window I could see from my flat! Thanks Heavenly Father, and thanks Rachelle for being that friend!

This is my life! I live here!!

I slept from about 12:30 am to 11:30 am--and then napped until 3:30. I finally got up, showered and walked to the bank before they closed. As I walked in the crisp sunshiney air, I found my joy increasing with each step. I live here! Indefinitely! This is my neighborhood! This is my street! This is my life!
I just returned last night from a trip to Utah and Arizona to visit family and friends. I felt great joy while there. Until 2 months ago I was planning to move to Utah. While in Utah, although I had a wonderful time, I felt such relief that I wouldn't be moving there. I felt that somehow I didn't belong. Today, whilst walking down the street, I also felt relief. Relief that I had decided to stay. Utter joy that this is the place I call home! Delight that I am here to build my life! Excitement that this is where I chose to be! My heart was overflowingly happy.
And so--here we go! The details of my future may not be crystal clear, but the facts are these: expect excitement, success, joy and love to come crashing into my life. I do!

I lied.

I'm staying.

Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.

When I was in the grocery store yesterday and realized that despite the good price, I didn't need to buy 4 rolls of kitchen towels, tears threatened arrival. What an utterly everyday experience to trigger the realization of my upcoming life change!
And so my year in England draws to a close. I know I said I'd write often (um, every week? Uh, yeah, well...) but I guess you could say that I have been too busy living. This has been one of the best years of my life. Oh! The things I've learned! I've learned what it means to truly serve, I've learned what it means to magnify and succeed at a calling rather than just serving in it to fulfil a checklist. I've learned and am learning what it means to study, to submerse oneself in discovery and depth of thought, to struggle with intellectual ideas and come out the other side with clarity, understanding and even more than that, questions. I've learned that it is ok to have questions—questions that perhaps can't be answered in the forseeable future!
I've made friends more quickly and deeply than I can ever remember doing in the past, friends from entirely different backgrounds and beliefs, ages and views. I've started gardening :).
I've learned how to listen to my heart to know and then to receive what I want! I've honed my understandings of my desires by living utterly and beautifully alone, on my own. I've run my own household independent and peaceful.
I've kissed the ward dreamboat (my first kiss ever, if you can believe it), and opened myself up to the intricate workings of my heart in the matters of romance. I've learned to flirt, to speak up and to step back. I've learned to wait.
I've seen how the Lord truly is aware of all of us, how He guides us to the desires of our hearts and how His timing is impeccable and His promises sure.
I've learned what it means to be converted.
In the next month or so I will write up my dissertation. I will travel to Scotland and Ireland. I will see two of my dearest friends join together in eternal matrimony. I will pack up my flat and ship off my books. I will embrace my friends and say goodbye to my ward. I will prepare myself to move on.
I have no idea what awaits me in Utah—I am not sure when I will begin to work or where, I don't know what my social life will be like or how long I will want to stay. But I do know that the things I have learned here will affect how I do things for the rest of my life. I may have come here with a open heart, but I leave with an understanding of how to keep that heart open, no matter what happens in my life. And that, I believe, is the gift that has changed me forever. So, thank you Lord for bringing me here. Thank you heart for wanting to come. And thank you my London friends and loved ones who have nurtured and loved my heart. I love you forever.

This one's for you, Jen

Jen got on my facebook profile a week or so ago and so sweetly requested a new entry that I just have to comply.
Not sure if you're gonna like what Iz gots to say, though...
Because I have given myself entirely over to icanhascheezburger.com
and my brain is mush(-y peas) from studying squares and trying to fit them in round holes.
and it is grey/gray here.
Oh, and cold.
(which recently allowed for the biggest snowstorm in 18 years to hit London, shut down the city and inspire snow scupltures and snowball fights throughout the city :) )
BUT
I have
1. lovely friends.
2. Interesting things to study.
3. Fascinating city to explore.
4. Exciting calling.
5. Mushy brain.
6. Unclear future.

1. I am so loved and supported here!! My lovely Sarah friend has been living here since Nov. and is such a support/grad school therapist. Don't quite know what I would do without her! Judith, my other flatmate is also wonderful and supportive and I have a darling group of friends from my stake and also from the local singles ward which I am NOT in.
2. Anthropology is FASCINATING. I am going to do my dissertation on the transference of culture and conversion from first to second generation Mormons. Interesting...
3. Um, I live in London. Today I tromped about Blackheath, where David Copperfield went to school and thousands of thousands of black plague victims were buried and now boys play rugby on their graves...
4. Enrichment counselor in the stake Relief Society. Yes, I was wondering why I got this calling until yesterday when at a training I realized that the women in this stake had no idea that the whole program had changed three years ago. I moved here from one of those perfect stakes where things are done immediately and well--and so I actually KNOW how to get the activities/groups/clubs portion of enrichment going. So exciting!
5. See: http://books.google.com/books?id=RqYRt4e0ryAC&printsec=frontcover&dq=art+and+agency&lr=#PPA32,M1
and its antidote: http://cuteoverload.com/
'Nuf said.
6. Perhaps I shall move to Tahiti? Or Belize and work on a farm? Who knows?!

Maybe I should do a quiz and let you all decide my future for me....